Monday, October 22, 2012
Day 22...fear...and trust
I had one of these moments a couple of weeks while I was in my voice lesson. All of a sudden it dawned on me that the thing holding me back from really opening up and singing...was my fear. Fear of what my voice would do, fear of what it would sound like, if it would be on key, if it would break, etc. Because if I'm honest, I spent most of my collegiate singing career in fear. Mostly fear of judgement from my peers. I know that sounds dumb to some people, but I just wanted people to think that I was good at something. I wanted that validation. Why I wanted it from fellow undergrads and not my professors, I couldn't tell you. But at the time it was so important to me. And now, five years later when I no longer care what any of those people think, some of that fear still remains.
What's the opposite of fear? For me, it's trust. Trust that my voice will do what it was made to do. I was made with the instrument. Why am I doubting it's capabilities? And then it hit me...this isn't just something that happens in singing, this is something that happens in life. What keeps us from trying something new? Fear. From exploring the unknown? Fear. From achieving our goals? Fear. We spend so much time in fear of the outcome, that we don't allow ourselves time to even start the begin the process of trying. Why is that? What is it that we fear? Ridicule? Embarrassment? An uncomfortable situation? Failure? Disappointment? Social rejection? Showing weakness?
OK, fast forward back to today. So I'm in this conversation with my friendand all of a sudden it dawns on me, I'm letting fear hold me back from a situation in my life. I think anyone that has ever been dumped, booted to the curb, has been used, or had a relationship (friendship of otherwise) end badly, will admit that the next time they started a relationship with the next person, they were just a little more cautious. It's not that you aren't healed from old wounds, it's just that the scars are still there. And that's where the fear starts to creep in. It starts as just a little bit of doubt, but if you let it sit there and grow, it will quickly become your roadblock.
I have become my own roadblock. I realized that while I'm waiting for someone else to give me the reassurance that I need from them, I was in turn holding back the reassurance that they needed from me. Relationships with people are a two way street. And that goes for any kind of relationship...parents and children, teachers and students, friends, lovers...there is always a balance of give and take. And sometimes you have to be the one to let the trust take over the fear. We need to have a Julia Child attitude not just about cooking, but sometimes about life too.
Am I saying that you will always have positive experiences when you trust yourself enough to put yourself out there? Nope, not at all. And sometimes the result of your trust will be disappointment. But if you never trust yourself enough to put your fear behind you, you might miss out on some really wonderful people and experiencesexperiences that will shape you into the person you are becoming. One of my friends posted on Facebook today, "If you live your life in hindsight you'll never see what's in front of you." Look forward. Live boldy. Laugh loudly. Love much. Without hesitancy or regret.
I think it's time for me to start taking some of my own advice.