Saturday, February 23, 2013

the one with how it's supposed to be...

My life wasn't supposed to be this way.

We were supposed to work out.

I was supposed to get that job.

I wasn't supposed to get lost along the way.

I had a plan.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Why can't it be easy for everyone else.

It's easy to think that way, isn't it? I look back over the last ten years of my life (gosh, that makes me sound old) and life certainly didn't go the way I thought it would go...the way it did. The way it went, despite my plans and my expectations. Ten years ago my "plans" were very different. I thought I was going to meet someone in college. I'd get a great high school choir director job. I'd get married and have kids...but not before I was single and fabulous with a thriving career. And when I say fabulous...I mean call me Carrie Bradshaw stuck in Minnesota. I remember having conversations with my friends our freshman year in Centennial ( did we ever survive living in a closet??) about how we wanted to have kids right away so we were "young moms." As if have kids in our 30's was something so unimaginable. We were going to be different. We were going to change the world. We knew more than the other 18/19 year olds before us, and we were more mature that those 18/19 years olds yet to come.

How little we knew.

Resigning my first teaching position after a year wasn't in the plan. Starting grad school wasn't in the plan. Working six jobs at once wasn't in the plan. Leaving my PC brain behind and becoming an Apple wasn't in the plan. Working for a music publisher wasn't in the plan. Not teaching wasn't in the plan. Moving back home at 24 wasn't in the plan. Sometimes when your "plan" is so flushed down the toilet that there is literally nothing remaining, you have to start a new plan. And sometimes you flush the idea of a "plan" down the toilet and just let life happen.

Apparently my "forever running" toilet at home got the memo.

For someone who LOVES to make lists and plan, letting go of control is really hard. Sometimes I think that when we we try to avoid the hurt that comes uncontrollably into our lives.

One control freak to amount of control can stop a heartbreak. And I'm hear to tell you that sometimes...the control is what causes the hurt and heartache. Life isn't something that we plan's something that happens. And sometimes the best things happen when we least expect them.

Stop trying to control the plan.

When it comes to life...
Choose your choices. Stand firm in the decisions you make. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Sometimes to run we have to fall and scrape our knees a couple times. We have to fall down. We have to bleed. We have to hurt. We have to feel.The scars define us. They make us grow as individuals. They encourage us to make different choices the next time. They make us into who we will be. Break out of the box. Jump outside of your comfort zone. Try a path you haven't walked down before. Run, jump, skip, hop, spring, crab walk....TRY.

...when it comes to relationships...

...when the pieces fall into the right places it will be the most confusing clarity you've ever had because it WON'T be anything like you've ever experienced and all the other loves of your life will fall by the wayside. Nothing else will compare to this experience. And it's going to be scary. Hell, it's going to be terrifying. But don't let the fear of the new and the unknown get in the way of what you know in your heart to be worth the risk. Be vulnerable. Let in that person your scared of losing. If they're meant to be won't lose them. If you do lose them...they were never going to be yours to begin with. The possibility of losing them is a pittance in comparison to what you will gain. Stop. Stop making excuses. Take the first step of the rest of your life. Let go of the plan. Live. And as always...

1 comment:

  1. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. -John Lennon