the one where i'm thankful...

1:27am

Is there a better time to start a blog post?

Be happy. Sometimes it's a lot easier said than done. After two days of trying to balance a lot of things on my mind...you're telling me. There are things that happen in our lives that are completely out of our control that might affect our happiness. But we can control how we react to them. I'm a work in progress. I've never pretend to have it all figured out. But I'm trying. And each day, I get a little bit closer to whatever it is. Whatever "being happy" is.

If I'm being honest, I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I carry burdens that aren't really mine to carry, or that I really don't have any control over it. I turn my life into a list...not for fear of wanting control, but for fear of forgetting something and disappointing someone. Some days I hold myself to an impossible standard of perfection and when I fall short of that, everything else seems to go spiraling out of control. Some days I wish I weren't so artistically minded because I feel like we feel everything so deeply. The happy highs are euphoric and the disappointments are practically devastating and some days you just want everything to level out, but that's about the time when you wish for some excitement in your life. And it's exhausting. Which is why my goal this year is to just be happy.

I've wondered if what I'm looking for is contentment. But I feel like happiness is a step above contentment. Content to me means functional. I'm not unhappy but I'm not excited. I just am. But when people ask me how I'm doing, I want to respond with...happy.

There's a balance to that though as well. Am I happy about the current state of my body...no. Am I happy about what I'm doing to work on that? Yes, I can honestly say that I'm happy with what I'm doing to get back into shape. I'm eating right (for the most part, I am a beer and cheese eating Wisconsin girl after all) and I'm busting me arse (no, I'm not Irish but hope y'all had a awesome St. Paddy's Day...I know did!) at the gym. The numbers on the scale aren't moving a ton, but it is moving slowly. And I can definitely tell that my body is changing based on how my clothes are starting to fall off of me. So in that respect...I'm happy.

I guess the relationships I have in my life are another check on the happiness scale. And honestly, I think for the first time in a long time I am happy. Do I have some work to do? Absolutely. One of the things that I've had a hard time with watching my girlfriends from college get married and move on with their lives, is that I have felt left behind. (Wow, I actually didn't see that statement coming...saving that one for another blog post.) So the girlfriends that I have in my life right now are really important to me. I try to make sure that there is always time for the girls. Cause they're usually the ones there next to you handing you a spoon and the Ben and Jerry's when you need them to.

But on the other hand, I'm a little bit of a chick dude sometimes. (Side note: When I ran lights for Cheap Trick in college, their roadie who ran the extremely heavy $40,000 sound board that I helped to move, nicknamed me "chude" because I was so strong that I was a "chick dude." Needless to say, the name stuck and almost ten years later the boys at the Jefferson Country Fairgrounds still call me chude when they see me.) And it is really important for me to have close guy friends that I can joke around with and talk sports with and be inappropriate with and sit and have a beer with and who I can go and talk to when I need someone to cut through all the crap and emotions that girls seem to need to incorporate into the decision making process, or if I "need to be a female" and get a guy's perspective on dating and whatnot. For the first time in a while, I can say that I feel so good about every single one of my guy friends. I have an amazing group of guys that are awesome to hang out with, and protect me like I'm their own little sister. So just a warning to any potential men out there...meeting my actual brother is only a small step in the process of meeting the barrage of men that will pummel you to the ground should you ever do anything to deserve it.

I moved to Milwaukee three and a half years ago after a really rough time in my life. And I have an amazing support network of people around me who have gone from strangers to friends, who have now become my Milwaukee family. And I love them all. They listen when I need to bend an ear, they're a shoulder to cry on, they pick me up when I'm down, and they point me the right way when I lose my direction. (This applies to you folks outside of Milwaukee too...say Madison...or Waco...or Hong Kong...or wherever you might be at this particular moment...) My life has been touched by each and every one of you, and I'm a better person because you have been a part of my life. And even though sometimes it might have been rough, and even if we're not as close as we once were, you are so important to me...you have helped shape who I am...and I wouldn't change a thing. Every step is a step to where we are going...enjoy the ride...and be happy.

I swear...I can take a normal picture...